#1- Don’t drink alone.
Drinking alone is not romantic – it means you are a pathetic loser for one of four reasons: you are an alcoholic, you couldn’t scrounge up a single friend to drink with, you are trying to hide your drinking from people, or it is early in the morning.
The only time it is acceptable to drink alone is when you are pre-drinking. In which case you are not pathetic – but so damn awesome you have to get a little of the awesome out of your system before you meet up with a bunch of people. You don’t want to unleash all the awesomeness at once – it would melt their faces off. Plus, pre-drinking is relaxing and an affordable alternative to breaking the bank at the bar.
First of all you gotta EAT. If you don’t eat before you drink things will turn messy fast. And you want the party to last more than an hour, don’t you? Also you have to eat something for real not a handful of chips or a salad…what are you homeless? a lady? If you’re reading this I’m gonna assume you are neither of those things. I thought I had it all down while I was dieting and I just ate half a baked potato before I got drunk. Guess what? Half a potato does NOT stand up against 12 drinks. That is not good enough. Eat a for real meal BEFORE you drink (or early into the drinking) planning on ordering pizza when you’re drunk later won’t work. You will just feel fat and gross when you wake up to your dog licking a half eaten pizza that was left on the floor overnight.
Drinking water does not make you a pussy. It makes you smart. It will lessen your headache the next day because you stayed well hydrated. It will also prolong your drinking experience significantly. Water is the difference between drinking for 2 hours and 8 hours. No substitutions! That milkshake/coke/beer is NOT the same as water. A super pro will have a glass of water after every second drink. But if you’re scared of looking like a baby you can discreetly water down your cocktail with some soda water. Or you can have a couple drinks on the go at the same time. Order a cocktail with a side of water. For serious, that’s a thing.
#4 Drugs first!
If you are going to be smokin’ smokin’ weed, popping pills, snorting a bunch of junk…or what have you – do it FIRST! We all think drugs seem rad when we’re drunk. But that’s ’cause drunks are lacking in the good judgement department. DRUGS FIRST. Then you get all thirsty and the drinks get downed at a reasonable pace. If you get sorta drunk first then take drugs they will hit you fast and you will suddenly be SO FUCKING DRUNK. That’s when things get spinning. And not in the good vinyl way. But in the bad, bad, puking all over your: bed/ friend’s couch/dress/backseat of the car/bathroom floor way.
#5 Stick with one type of alcohol.
Several kinds of alcohol may seem like a delicious idea – but it will end in disaster. It makes you super drunk super quick and sick even quicker.
There are additional rules like “liquor before beer and you’re in the clear; beer before liquor you’ve never been sicker”. Or wine doesn’t mix with anything. Champagne stands alone. But everyone’s mom has a handful of these rules. It’s a sorta trial and error process to see which works for you.
#6 Pace Yourself.
If it’s hard to down the drink quickly it’s because you shouldn’t. Red wine is meant to be sipped and savored. Hard liquor should not be pounded straight up. If it was meant to be ingested quickly your body would accept it easily. That is why you can slam down a case of Coors Light in under an hour – because it’s basically beer flavored water that can safely be drunk quickly. If you start to feel too drunk from over drinking take a second to sit down, drink some water, and get your head together. A good quiet place to sit down and sort your fuzzy brain out is the washroom. It’s unlikely that anyone will offer you another drink while you’re in there.
#7 Avoid shots.
Shots are the devil. Particularly tequila shots seem to make people go crazy or barf immediately all over the table. If you HAVE to have a shot go for a chocolate martini shot (half vodka half creme de cacao). And stop after one.
#8 Call it a night.
An important part of being a successful drinker is knowing when to call it a night. If your friends are giving you weird looks, or you keep misplacing your drink, or you’ve already fallen over a couple times this evening it’s a good time to pack it in before you do something you’ll regret. Like getting naked at the office christmas party or start a fistfight with your best friend’s dad. And if you get kicked out of the bar – it was probably for a good reason – go home and go to bed!
#9 Sick and tired.
If it is at all possible, do not drink when you are super tired. Feeling tired will add to the feeling of drunkenness and you won’t last. Get a good night’s sleep before a big party night. But what do you do if you have a cold but you still want to drink? Booze up your tea! It is the only way to drink that won’t make your sore throat worse. It’s warm and soothing and fantastic. Vodka works itself nicely into almost any tea. And if you’re out I recommend ordering a blueberry tea: grand marnier and amaretto in an earl grey or orange pekoe.
#10 – Keep it classy.
Don’t drink straight out of the bottle. That’s how you spill, chip your tooth, lose track of how much you’ve had to drink, come off as trailer trash.
And remember: Practice makes perfect. So drink in moderate amounts frequently to hit your stride.
Happy Drinking! Bottom’s up! Cheers! Nazdravie! Prost! Salute!
Drinking and driving is for fucking losers. Driving after even just one drink is lame. This ain’t the 40’s. Drinking and driving isn’t a thing anymore.