How to be selfish

This is not a bad thing. Maybe you are wasting your life away doing favors for everyone and you are feeling tired and used up. That’s not good for you. You don’t want your niceness to be the reason you become a doormat or an alcoholic. That’s not good for anyone. Here are some simple tips, steps, and reminders you can use to put yourself FIRST!

The number one thing you need to remember is: you’re fucking awesome. Of course everyone wants a piece of you. Your face could cash cheques and you have a million other rad qualities that make you better than everyone else. Everyone wants to spend time with you because they want to be more like you. Fuck that noise. No one can be as good as you – they have no right to paw away at your time and brain just to try to make themselves better. You are number one and only you can stay that way by putting yourself first.

No one should need you more than you need them. No way. If they do then they suck and have nothing to offer you. You are wasting your time with losers if you hang out with someone because you feel bad for them.  Needy people are vampires and they will suck your awesomeness away.

But what about poor people and social losers? What do they have that’s rad for you? Let’s take your new job for example: saving starving orphans in S. Africa/working at the food bank/building a well for the villagers. They need you to stay alive – but you need them to have a job and a kickass resume that you can show off to other awesome people later. That will impress people and one day you will make fat cash from it. It’s a total WIN-WIN situation.

When someone wants to spend time with you or talk to you about their problems or needs your help. You have to ask yourself one question: Is there something better I could be doing instead? The answer is yeah, probably. You should be out doing something fun for you. You deserve fun. And who wants to listen to someone’s depressing problems? You are too sensitive for that kind of sad shit. If you stop listening to people feel sad all the time then you won’t realize how much better your life is and then you’ll stop feeling sorry for everyone. You just have to prioritize on focusing on yourself and how great your life is.

It’s important to remember you have a good reason for not doing everything everyone wants you to. Maybe you have to work, or are tired, or made other plans, or something better came up, or maybe you just don’t fucking feel like it. All those reasons are good. More than good. They are impeccably flawless. You just need to explain it in a way they can understand. It helps if you say something like I HAD to…., or I COULDN’T….., there was NO WAY…., don’t let them make you feel guilty. You are busy and important and your time is valuable. Maybe if they are willing to pay you a billion dollars for your time things coulda been different. But they probably weren’t going to pay you at all. Why are they so selfish?

Doing stuff for (and with) other people all the time makes them lazy and they will never learn to do it without your help. You are making people worse by making them dependent on you for shit they should know how to do on their own. Next time tell your neighbor to fix her own computer and do her own taxes. She should already know how to do that shit if she’s claiming to be a grown up. If you are doing stuff for people like helping them move or making them dinner or fixing their bike they should be paying you. People get paid a shit ton of cash for doing work like that. Why should you do it for free? You can always use money, right?

Here is the important shit. If you spend less time feeling guilty you will have more time to:

wear fancy outfits

get drunk

go on vacations

sex up on sexy dudes/ladies

talk on the phone

get your hair did

have naps

go tanning

buy stuff from the internet

watch movies

think about yourself

Remember this is what you need to do to succeed:

1- Think of yourself. Don’t forget you are better than everyone else.

2- Ask ‘what’s in it for me?’

3- Have more fun

4- Make more cash

5- Avoid depressing shit

6- Think up some solid excuses

7-Keep being awesome

Okay – I know I said I would put in clip art. But it takes too long. And I realized the sooner I was done writing this for you I could drink hot chocolate. And hot chocolate is awesome so I cut this short by leaving out the pictures. But it’s okay because you are smart and can understand how to read without visual aids.

See I don’t feel guilty about not doing what I promised because I can explain it away. Pictures would have been demeaning to your smartness. And now I get to have hot chocolate. It’s a win-win.

And that is how I got an A in ethics class. ‘Cause I can explain it all away. SUPER RAD!


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3 Responses to How to be selfish

  1. danielle says:

    The best thing about this is that I can hear you saying it all in my head! Also. NAPS for the win. *loves naps like nobody’s business!*

  2. lynbot says:

    totally had a nap today. ’twas good inspiration for the article.

  3. Young Williams says:

    This is amazing.

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