Ok. I love almost all animals. They are all awesome in their own way. And if something didn’t make my list – it doesn’t mean it’s not rad…it just means I trimmed the list down from a trillion animals to 8 and some stuff like cougars and orcas didn’t make this list, okay? So tell your polar bear friend to chill. I still think he’s cool. If I made a new list of my 42 favourite animals he would def be on it. Let’s kick things off heavy with:
Yep – Sharks. So awesome I already blogged about their greatness. They make my list because not only are they totally badass; they are a super friend of the environment. They keep the oceans clean by chowing down on all the dead and dying creatures. Thanks for filtering the oceans, bro. Maybe you’re scared they’re gonna munch on ya – but they probably won’t. They don’t think you’re tasty and usually only eat you by accident. I have cruised the ocean tons – surfing, swimming, snorkelling, sailing, and what have you. And I’ve only bumped into sharks when I went looking for them. And when I found ’em they just swam around all relaxed like big fish.
Sharks don’t really wanna eat you and I wish we would stop eating them. Sharks are endangered and are a crucial part of the ocean. They taste like crap and they do not have special powers we can ingest. If shark cartiledge cured cancer I bet Western Medicine would have heard about that.
Here’s my original shark post if you wanna read up a lil more on sharky goodness.
Status: Nearly a quarter of the 440 known types of sharks are endangered.
These fuzzy little awesome-atrons are happy to just hang out all day sniffing flowers, pollinating, and making tasty honey. They work tirelessly to pollinate basically every fruit, nut, and vegetable for you. Without bees you would be stuck eating only wind pollinated grains. Thanks bees! I love eating! ….and now we’re losing them. Once bees are done – we’re done. Boo to overworking these little guys and using pesticides. Bees are so sweet I got ’em tattooed all down my leg. Yep – they make my list for life. And btw – bees most certainly count as animals. What else would you categorize them as? Vegetable? Mineral?
And no, don’t swat my bee friends or live in fear of ’em. You are probably mixing these dudes up with those jerk-y wasps. Bees don’t wanna sting you. It makes their stinger pull out and they die from it. Sadness.
Status: Honeybees are endangered.
If I was an animal, it would be a fox. Cunning and tricky. They are the trifecta of S. Sexy, Sleek, and Sneaky. Who doesn’t love a fantastic fox? Well, except for chicken farmers. And anyway nobody likes those douchebags Boggis, Bunce, and Bean.
Status: Some types of foxes are endangered. But generally, foxes are doing ok.
Octopuses, octopi, octopuses. Whatever you wanna call ’em, these babies are way cool. Have you seen the sick video of their camouflage skills? They don’t just change color. Check it out! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmDTtkZlMwM
They are totally smarter than your dog…or your toddler. They can problem solve… They have short and long term memories… They can open jars… And there is documentation of them sneaking out of their lab tanks at night and into neighbouring aquariums to eat fish.
Ok. There is just too much about them that’s awesome. I’m basically just gonna shout octo-facts at you now: They got a beak! And no skeleton so they can fit in the smallest places! They have three hearts! They die after mating! And therefore; on a balance of awesomeness v. deliciousness – they are just so rad I can’t bring myself to eat these guys. Yup – also got an octopus tattoo. Octos for life!
And if you doubt the amazingness of the mighty octopus even for a second – just watch this short video
Status: The octopus species as a whole is not endangered.
Why? Because they are fucking DINOSAURS. How come every kid under ten knows dinos are the awesomest but adults have totally forgotten that fact? Stupid grown-ups. And just so you know, the decision to add dinosaurs to the list was totally disputed by my friends (rather, ex-friends). At first I thought they were disputing because I wasn’t being specific enough with type. But NO! They claimed I couldn’t include dinos because they are extinct. Seriously?! Like if you told me your favourite animal was the goddamned passenger pigeon or carribean ground sloth I would deny you that? NO WAY. An awesome animal is no lesser simply because it’s gone. Anyway – with the rate we’re going all the animals will be extinct soon.
And btw – if I had to choose a specific type of dino…I’d have to go with the Allosaurus. 28 feet of awesome.
You wanna know why zebras are the coolest? Because people tried to tame zebras a billion times. They work harder than a horse and are cheaper to feed. But a zebra can’t be broken. Hells yeah! Screw you, humans! Stop trying to domesticate everything. The zebra refuses to be your bitch. ZEBRA WIN! Plus, they are always hella stylish. Stripes are perpetually in.
Status: 2 of the 3 species of zebras are endangered.
So smart, so sensitive, so humongous! So cute! Ever seen a baby elephant? Adorable. I just wanna frolic in a field with them and spend all day giving them snuggly pats. You know elephants only have one giant tooth that they mash all their food into? Haha, silly elephants!
I totally love the news stories of giant (seriously giant – like 12 ft tall and 12,000 lbs) african elephants getting pissed off and trampling villages or their circus handlers. Plus, elephants are so badass they used to be a tool of battle. And Hannibal freaking used elephants to ride over the Alps. If you wanna see some top notch elephant imagery watch the start of the Protector. So pretty. Maybe you wanna watch the whole movie anyway ’cause Tony Jaa can sure get pissed off enough to kick some ass if you steal his elephant.
Status: Depending on the type elephants are generally endangered, or vulnerable.
Yeah – I saved the best for last. Honu, my beloved gentle green sea turtle. I miss swimming with those little guys. And by “little” I mean they range between 40 and 700 lbs. SEVEN HUNDRED. But they still manage to be so graceful underwater – flying along effortlessly. What I don’t miss is seeing idiot tourists trying to ride the turtles. That’s a $10,000 fine, bro. It’s an endangered animals. NO TOUCHING. But the honu is tough. They have been kicking around for 150 million years. Rad! And if we didn’t eat ’em and stuff they live to be up to 100 years old. Even radder!
And that’s the list. So what’s the point. I dunno? Animals are rad. So stop eating them, or making jackets, rugs, and jewellery outta them, or riding on them, or whatever the heck you’re doing that they don’t like. Thanks.