Birth Control. Let’s face it. We’re pretty into it. Nobody wants to accidentally have a baby. Especially if they can’t afford it, or are 18, or whatever the situation might be.
Hey fellas! This is for you too. How may times have you asked a girl to go on Birth Control? Did you really know what you were asking? The last time a guy asked me to go on it….I flat out refused. Because I’m not gonna give myself a damn stroke. Nor am I going to spend hundreds of dollars, drastically change my hormonal balance, or undergo a painful implant. Plus, I am super scared of the possible side effects associated with almost everything.
There are so many different types of contraceptives; so what is the best way to do it? That depends on your situation. Let’s take a quick look at different methods and then maybe you’ll understand why I don’t wanna go with any of them.
The Pill – Hefty doses of extra estrogen and progestin hormones which need to be taken everyday at the same time. No forgetting! The hormones work by stopping your body from releasing an egg. The pill also increases your chances of stokes and bloodclots. Particularly in smokers (even the occasional smoker) over 35. It also causes weight gain in lots of girls, so it’s not recommended if you have a weight problem. And if you’re prone to infections (like I am) keep in mind that antibiotics reduce the effectiveness of the pill – so you would have to use a second form of birth control during that time. ALSO, some women get really sensitive to too much estrogen – this may cause extra crying.
The IUD – aka Intrauterine Devices. Sounds fun already, doesn’t it? Okay. I have many friends with IUDs and they love them, plus, they last for over 5 years. However, I am scared of them because: they hurt to have inserted and removed, if you haven’t had children before they’re implanted – you may not be able to have children afterwards, they may increase your flow and cramping, they cost several hundred dollars, AND the number one reason I don’t want an IUD is because while I was living in the US there were nonstop commercials on TV about suing Meridian because sometimes the IUD can detach and perforate your uterus or cervix.
NO, THANK YOU!
The Shot – A hormone injection that works like the pill – perfect for the forgetful lady – as you only need to be injected once every every 3 months. Think about it, enough hormones to last your body three months – that is one helluva potent dose. That cannot be good for the body. The shot causes a loss of bone density so it shouldn’t be used for more that 2 years. Bone density will return after a while – but that still means it’s no good for older ladies or people that are concerned about osteoporosis.
I DON’T WANT MY BONES TO CRUMBLE.
The Sponge– Needs to be inserted before having sex (how romantic). Then you leave it in for 6 hours afterwards. However, people that are sensitive or allergic to spermicide may not be interested in inserting nonoxynol-9. Also the CDC does not recommend spermicide use since it is an irritant and there are studies showing spermicide actually increase the risk the HIV and UTIs.
Diaphragm– Also used with spermicide and works almost exactly the same way as the sponge. Diaphragms always make me think of the 1989 movie Parenthood and how Susan compromises her diaphragm just so she can get pregnant with Rick Moranis’ baby. Ew. Most methods of birth control rely way too heavily on the assumption that both parties are sane, honest, and not wanting an “accidental” pregnancy.
The Patch – Works like the Pill to release hormones into the bloodstream. Blood clots are a huge risk factor.
The Ring – Again, another method of a foreign object inserted that releases tons of hormones. Which works like the Pill, the Shot, or the Patch and brings with it the same terrible hormonal imbalances that mess up your insides for weeks, months, years. And, again, that “pesky” risk of clots.
Condoms – I am all for condoms. I mean, they basically keep you for getting a baby or a weird disease. But, dudes hate condoms. And birth control can’t just be one person’s responsibility. It should be shared. So in this case – the burden is mostly placed on the guy. And that’s ain’t fair. Plus, dudes complain about condoms all the time. And anyway, some people are allergic. AND they rip. Even when used properly a condom is only effective 97% of the time. Hell, that doesn’t even take into account all those drunk, improper times!
Sterilization – A surgical method that blocks part of the reproductive system. Sterilization is a little extreme for most of us; and it’s really hard to reverse. The surgery for a woman is pretty serious. However, for a dude a vasectomy is quick, non-invasive, and may be covered by your provincial health plan. I think the majority of people should be sterilized….but that decision is not really up to me…..yet.
Plan B – aka the morning after pill. It’s called Plan B for a reason. It should not be used as a primary form of birth control. It should mainly be used an emergency back up plan for when your condom breaks. And that junk is gonna make you sick! Remember, if you barf within an hour of taking it – you’ll probably have to take a second does to ensure the medication is absorbed into your system. Fun!
The Rhythm Method – This is a calendar based contraceptive approach about learning your cycle. You learn when ovulation is likely to occur and schedule your sex life accordingly. It’s the method where you take your temperature. But it’s mainly renounced due its high failure rate. The high failure is mainly because this method assumes that all women have a postovulatory phase which is 12-16 days. But many women have shorter or longer cycles occasionally; and this method predicts the length of future cycles based on the past cycles. CYCLES CHANGE, idiots! This can be due to any number of factors, stress, illness, medication, etc. Don’t rely on this!
The Billings Method – Similar to the rhythm method – but no uselessness of taking your temperature. No accidental pregnancies either. I really like the Billings method. So much in fact, that I bought a book devoted entirely to learning more about it. You check you mucus and record the changes so you know when you are fertile or infertile. When you follow the method closely it is very successful. It encourages both partners to take an interest in knowing how the body is operating. You learn when you are ovulating – which makes it a good method for people wanting to get pregnant and for those trying to avoid a pregnancy.
You can learn more about the Billings Method from this great article and blog my boss wrote. And also by reading this very informative book that I bought. Yay Billings method! The least invasive method of controlling fertility everrrrrrr!
Plus, it’s good to learn some basics about how your body works. Take control of your body, dammit! Does anyone else think it’s totally gross to hear about people giving birth without ever knowing they were pregnant in the first place? How the heck does that even happen?
The Best Methods:
#1 – Hearing a child screech.
That sound makes my reproductive system freeze every time.
#2 – Being Gay
That usually keeps ya from getting too pregnant.
Hope this read was as informative as it was gross.