FWP

Today I am the champion of first world problems. I’m not entirely sure why that is. But I have a feeling I am getting to the point in pregnancy where everything is slightly annoying.

Though I realize first world problem are ridiculous non-problems. I still feel the need to share them as they are hilarious in an ironic sort of sense. But if anyone ever recounted even a single thing like this to me and indicated it was a “problem” I would immediately yell at them and tell them their problems are stupid.

Let’s review:

– we just moved into a new place and even though we are paying for ultra mega laser cutting edge light speed internet – we are stuck with the equivalent of 1996 dial up internet.
– the internet guy can’t come to fix it for 12 days. When I demanded to know why they couldn’t come tomorrow, my boyfriend pointed out it’s probably because we are not the only people on the planet.
He may be right, but I cannot catch up on my Beverly Hills 90210 on Netflix without decent internet. Are Brenda and Dylan going to get back together? Is Andrea pregnant yet? Does Donna’s mom find out she is living with David?!

– I have just discovered our new oven is entirely in Celsius. Either I have to quit baking, or we have to move. Metric is great most of the time, but who ever heard of baking in Celsius? RIDICULOUS NONSENSE!
– I tried to make nachos in the Celsius oven. But I don’t know how much 120 is. Thus, I was scared of burning my delicious nachos and then they turned out weird and not cooked enough.

– the dimmer switch for our bathroom light buzzes.
-all the light and fan switches for our bathrooms are on the outside of the bathrooms. Outside. How dumb is that?! I grew up in a house where one of the bathrooms was like that and I never got used to it. Or got over it. Because let me tell you – your dumbass brother will turn the light off on you at every opportunity.

– we have too many clothes to fit in our dresser.
-we need to go all the way to IKEA to buy an additional dresser.
-I have only budgeted $150 to spend at IKEA. What if I find a crazy lamp or rug that I need in addition to the aforementioned dresser?!

– the delicious dinner I made last night has made the garbage smelly this morning.
-I have to make a trip all the way downstairs and outside just to throw out the smelly trash. Whatever happened to trash shoots?
-The delicious dinner I made last night has also made the air smelly.
-I cannot throw air out. No matter how many trash shoots I have access to.

– I have visitors coming over and my house is messy.
-I am too tired to tidy up my messy house before they get here.

– I can only eat small portions and I want to eat ALL the watermelon that my guests brought over.
-Last time I ate all the watermelon, I threw up.
-Though my morning sickness phase is long over I am still wary of this watermelon conundrum.

– Our screen door has a rip and it’s taped up with duct tape.
-Duct tape is the cheapest looking of all tapes.
-Alas, I know no other way of fixing a screen door.

-Our double balcony stretches from the living to the baby’s room.
-Why doesn’t the double balcony stretch to my room? A balcony is wasted on a baby.

-Our building has a pool. But it’s a sucky outdoor one that is too small to swim laps.
-People’s balcony’s look directly onto the pool area.
-I am now extra fat and I don’t want the balcony people staring at me while I float in the crummy pool.

-Our new washer is too small to wash the comforter for the bed
-Our new dryer is weak and it takes a thousand years to dry a single sock.

– We don’t get any direct sunlight. I’m worried it will make our tropical plants sad.
-We don’t get any direct sunlight and it makes me sad. What will happen if I want to sunbathe?

-This list could go on and on. Aren’t you glad it doesn’t?

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