“Sick”

Calling in sick and going home early is always weird when pregnant. I’m not actually sick. But it’s well recognized that sometimes I just can’t work. Between the insomnia, my stomach stretching out, the intense heartburn, the pain in my legs, my busted knee, and my loose hip…. it’s become pretty common that I don’t even bother to explain why I’m “sick” anymore.

Here are a few examples:

Me: “I’m supposed to work at 8 today, but I can’t. So…..I’m not going to”.
Boss: “Okay, feel better”.
Me: “Yep, thanks”.

Me: “I’m scheduled for 6 – but I can’t come in… because I actually feel kinda terrible” (laughs).
Boss: “Who…? Oh! Lynn. Yeah, okay.”

Me: “I have to go home. I don’t feel well.”
Boss: “What’s wrong?”
Me: “What? Like 73 different things. Do you really want me to list them all?”
Boss: “Uhhhhh, I guess not.”

Me: (from my position kneeling on the floor) “Can I please go home?”
Boss: “Why, what’s wrong?”
Co-worker: (yelling from across the room) “She’s growing a human being! Let her go home already!”

Also, if I am late – they just assume I am not showing up. And¬†that’s pretty much the end of it.

Today I didn’t show up at all or call in. But I dreamt that I discussed with my boss being unable to work… so I guess that counted. As there was no actual follow up.

They probably don’t care because I am on super modified duties and am practically useless at this point.

Remember that episode of the Simpsons when Homer got super fat and had to work from home? His job basically became typing the letter “Y” into his computer over and over again all day long. And he got that fake water drinking bird to do his work for him while he went to the movies…. that is comparable to how much I contribute at work. If they could only find a bird to fold underwear and sort bras; I would be replaced.

Actually the bird would probably be a much better employee than me. Because it wouldn’t distract all its co-workers with a giant belly and informative discussions about producing a human.

Luckily for them – tomorrow is my last day and they can finally replace me with somebody more able-bodied. Though, probably not quite as hilariously delightful.

drinkingbird-1

If you don’t know what the heck I am talking about, Homer-wise. You must immediately stop what you are doing to¬†download and watch The Simpsons season 7, episode 7 “King-Size Homer”.

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