Why does being a mom seem so… familiar?
Like any healthy young North American, I have had my fair share of hanging out with drunk idiots at parties.
And there are SO many parallels between taking care of a baby and taking care of a drunk friend.
He is always slurring, mumbling, or yelling incoherently. Nevertheless, he demands to be included in every conversation even though he has nothing of import to say. Nor can anyone understand him.
He can’t control any of his bodily functions. He is always drooling or barfing on himself. Or peeing or pooing at inopportune times. And spitting.
All the spitting.
He wants to eat everything. Especially if it’s what you are trying to eat. And he doesn’t even care if he found his food on the ground. Plus, he can’t seem to grasp the use of utensils. So he is just jamming it into his mouth with his hands.
But his coordinations sucks, so he smears the food all over his face. Then he tries to talk with his mouth full and he sprays it everywhere!
He has terrible balance so walking is totally impossible. He is always falling over. Even when he is just sitting, he still manages to fall over for no reason at all.
He basically would rather just roll around on the ground. And I always end up carrying or dragging him wherever we need to go.
He never has any money and expects me to pay for everything!
He never seems to have any idea where we are supposed to be, when we should be there, or how we are going to get there.
He is super temperamental and sensitive. He is always crying over ever little thing. Or getting super angry and yelling. But he is always always WAY too in love with his besties and trying to hug and kiss them.
He demands your attention at all times. He will yell incessantly until he gets it.
He gets bored easily and is somehow always getting into trouble. If you leaver him alone for 5 seconds he will be naked, covered in barf, crying, and probably have fallen down and hit his head.
And last, but not least…. he drinks until he passes out.
Do you see what I mean?
I could very well be describing your totally plastered friend at the end of the night.
But of course, all this is forgivable because he is one of the coolest people. And we’re best friends.
And that’s why I’m a pro mom. Because I already had all the practice.
Here’s my bestie at the start of the evening….
And here he is by the end….