Today I re-did my emergency first aid. Glad to have it – hope I never have to use it. The course material was basically the same as when I took the class two years ago — except AED training has been added. I wonder what they took out of the curriculum to make room for the AED training? Hopefully nothing too important.

Amazing super facts about today’s first aid class:

–If you show up late you will be paired up with the weirdo with a four leaf clover face tattoo. As cool as that may seem….she was pretty strange. This became clearer when I realized there were several people from her workplace also attending – but they all refused to talk to her, sit near her, or join her for lunch. I sat with Cloverface for the whole day. It was pretty awkward to work with someone for 8 hours while trying to avoid all semblance of quaint chit chat, common ground, feigned interest, or eye contact. I have never talked less in my entire life.

–At the begining of the course we all had to sign an enrollment contract stating that we would not smoke while administering first aid to sick or injured co-workers. Good to be clear about stuff like that. I can’t remember what any of the rest of contract said. I was so hung up on that first point…I just couldn’t go on.

–Our instructor decided to tell us a little about herself by mentioning that she was involved in the tourism industry and had travelled extensively through THE EUROPE. Please also take note that the instructor’s glasses case reads I heart cats and features 6 different cat head images. Not so much cute as it was disturbing to see all those disembodied cat heads.

–Our instructor was featured in several of the videos shown. In the videos she was several years younger; however, she was wearing the exact same shirt. Does she only own one shirt? Does she keep buying the same drab shirt? Was it just a coincidence? My eyes just kept flicking back and forth between the screen and her. What what what what what the heck? How did she expect us to pay attention to what the videos were actually about?

–The instructor also likes to yell at people executing practical exercises incorrectly. She points out the errors to the entire class and makes it clear by hollering: That way of doing things went out with go-go dancing!

I swear I paid attention and learned stuff. 2 vents per 30 compressions. Yeah, yeah, I got it. I got the proof, too. Bring me your injuries and stop doubting my sweet skills.

Longest day ever. Hopefully 3 years from now the course will be stocked with slightly less distracting humans.

She is old, she is sweet, she will happily (albeit slowly) hobble over to you on her arthritic legs for a belly rub. During business hours she hangs out front of her owner’s hardware shop. The shop is located on Bidwell – a very quiet sidestreet just around the corner from Robson. Most everyone in the west end is familiar with the sight of Cheyenne laying on the sidewalk out front.

Recently, her owner, Bruce, was given a $250 ticket for Cheyenne being off leash. And when she was caught being off-leash, she was doing her favorite thing: dozing on the sidewalk near the front door of the hardware store.

Really? what kind of bullshit is that? Cheyenne is the least threatening dog of all time. Unless you are scared of sweetness. Bruce was also told that Chyenne needs to be on a leash at all times – even when she is inside the store. Now that doesn’t even make sense. The city is just being silly. Don’t get me wrong – I generally support rules and laws, when they make sense. But the city could have enforced almost any bylaw in any other way and it would have been more meaningful than this. Who cares if Cheyenne is on a leash? Who is this protecting? What has changed? Well, the City of Vancouver will soon be $250 richer, Cheyenne is sad to be tied up all the time, and Bruce is in a bit of a tight spot. $250 is a lot to a small business owner.

Look how sad she was when she first had to be leashed up. Sorry old girl – you got sentenced to doggie house arrest.

I told Bruce that his predicament is one of the stupidest things I had ever heard. And that I would have a fundraiser to help him pay the fine. Bruce is a sweet guy and he was genuinely touched that I was trying to help. I told him not to get his hopes up because I might only get like $3. He was happy all the same, Cheyenne was happy too – but probably because she knows when I come by she will get a milkbone out of it.

If anyone feels like helping out – drop me a line. If we all pitch in a buck or two – Bruce will have his dumb ticket paid in no time.

Take your freaking Gin and Tonic and add aloe. Yep – ALOE. That spiky plant you rub onto cuts and burns. It doesn’t just go on your outsides – it’s also nice on your insides. But don’t try to use the plant. Go out and buy aloe juice. You are making a drink, right? Then use small amounts of different drinks to make it.

I just buy a small bottle – because it’s only a couple bucks and I just use a little bit to make these drinks. Some people don’t like aloe juice because it has floaty things in it. Get over that, right now. It’s nice to have a little plant matter to give your drink texture – the contrast give the drink a nice visual effect. You want to impress your guests, don’t you? You can easily do it with a visually intriguing beverage. Especially if your guests are all lame blowhards with nothing interesting of their own to talk about.

Toss in a handful of deliciously ripe blueberries. Organic ones, of course. It’s nice to have a snack conveniently located inside your drink and they will add to the flavor and the whole visual thing we are creating. Some of the blueberries will float, some won’t. It’s positively an adventure in drinking!

And as always, cut the sugar with some sparkling water. Perfect!

I sometimes refer to this drink as the Picnic. Light, summery, carefree, PICNIC. But I’m not one of those pretentious douche bags who creates a signature drink and demands everyone calls it by some dumb name. You can call it it whatever you want. Sometimes I just refer to it as a Gin and Tonic – ’cause that’s mostly what it is.

2 oz gin

1 part tonic

1 part sparkling water

2 oz aloe juice

splash of cassis (black currant juice)

add fresh blueberries

pour over ice

stir and serve

Want more recipes and insight? YOU GOT IT!

the Caesar

My classic

And of course – successful drinking

After the moderate success of ten tip for successful drinking I have decided to add a follow up of how to make the perfect cocktail. This drink is a good way to get your party on while still fitting in all that water you’re supposed to be guzzling. It is a never miss. Everyone loves this drink: Boys, girls, parents, new drinkers, seasoned drinkers, everyone. Guys are usually skeptical at first because they can’t taste the alcohol in them – but they quickly begin to feel the truth. As my mom always warned me: beware of mixed drinks because they don’t taste like there is alcohol in them. Thanks, Mom.

Here’s the stuff you need to make the fun happen:

1.5 oz Vodka

1 oz Cointreau

100 ml Orange juice

100 ml Soda water

50 ml Grapefruit juice

Stir it up

Add ice to make it cold and a straw to make it fun

This drink is very changeable. If you’re not hip on sweet drinks throw in a bit of lemon to balance out the juices. And feel free to substitute your favorite types of juice or whatever you happen to have on hand. Pineapple, lychee, lemonade, peach, mango, aloe, cassis, cranberry, raspberry – any of these would be great! I find it’s best to stick with the OJ and the second juice can be whatever….uh, but not apple, carrot, or tomato. That would be gross. Lime might not work out either….

VODKA: There isn’t really a point in splurging on some fancy type if you’re just gonna cover it with juice but that doesn’t mean you can get away with buying total garbage to save a buck, either.  Smirnoff, Stolichnaya, or Absolute will be fine.

COINTREAU: It’s just like Grand Marnier – an orange liquer that is 40% and made in France. I buy Cointreau because it is virtually identical to GM but more affordable. The even cheaper version is Triple Sec which is fine – but it’s 35% and made in Quebec. yeeeech! I know right about now you’re thinking you can make this without bothering to buy the Cointreau. NO, DUMBO! Then you’re basically just settling for a Screwdriver. Don’t be a baby, just buy the orange liqueur – it will last you a long time. You can also add it to hot tea. Yum!

ORANGE JUICE: ummmmm it is what it is. I go with frozen – then I always have it on hand and it’s cheap.

SODA WATER: Seltzer, club soda, fizzy water, sparkling water, mineral water… whatever you call it – it’s awesome. Carbonated water with sodium. I buy it by the case. It’s a good way to get a lot of water into your mixed drinks without ruining them. Also a good way to cut calories in sugary drinks and to make your drink easier to drink. Easier drinking = faster drinking. So be careful!

GRAPEFRUIT JUICE: I like pink grapefruit juice because it’s prettier than other juices. Plus, it makes my drink feel more tropical.

If you are a millionaire you can also add in slices of for real fruit – like lemon, lime, orange, grapefruit. And by slices, I mean wedges…..C’mon! You know what drinks are supposed to look like.

Yeah. That’s the one.

However; if your drink looks like this:

Then you probably didn’t follow my instructions at all. Throw that drink away and start over.

If you wanna get super drunk, fall down and smash your face to smithereens then add in an extra shot of vodka and one or two of peach schnapps. But I don’t really recommend that.

If you think this is super great and want more amazing drink recipes – just harass me into writing more recipe blogs – ’cause I got a whole brain full of delicious ways to get drunk. But I already wrote you one about Caesars. You can find it here.

Happy drinking!

I grew up in the dust-blown prairies, surrounded by waves of grain, but dreaming of the waves of the Pacific. The ocean has always held a romantic mystery for me. I imagined mermaids, Poseidon, and exciting underwater adventures. When I moved to Vancouver to be near the ocean, suddenly the water was no longer a mystical setting for pirate battles and tales of Atlantis but where I learned to surf and sail. It was whale-watching and snorkeling trips, the mighty Pacific had become my backyard. I fell in love with it completely.

I spent thirty days at the beach—a month straight—looking for inspiration for a story, but what I found was a case of the blues. Every day I saw the beach covered in garbage, and trash rolling around in the whitewash. It was depressing to know that, once high tide came in, all that abandoned junk would be washed into the ocean. A city’s supply of used coffee cups and discarded candy wrappers do not belong in the ocean, and it broke my heart to see it.

I shook off my depression, knowing that getting sad was not useful. I took responsibility and decided to do something about it. I increased my support of ocean-minded environmental groups. I learned about ocean conservation. Knowing  that my notion that ‘someone has to do something about this’ was not enough, I accepted that ‘someone’ was me. It was up to me to do something for my ocean, my community, and myself. Now, several days a week, you can find me and my dog down at the beach, picking up trash along the shoreline and talking to interested passers-by about the difference they can make by doing their small part to help keep our oceans clean.

–

I’m not trying to be all preachy. But yeah – I am sick of pulling your old rollerblades/batteries/potted plants out of the ocean. Stop ditching all your old junk there. Or else put a rail on your boat so everything stops tipping off the sides.

Anyway – the above is something I wrote a while ago for a contest. I did NOT win said contest. But thanks anyway to the 136 people who wasted their time voting for me. I love entering contests and I refuse to learn my lesson no matter how many times I lose, have lost, will lose. No, I did not end up on the television show Wipeout!, I certainly wasn’t selected to be a part of that volunteer program in Brazil, nor did I win the sailing trip to the Great Bear Rainforest. Le sigh. No matter. I’m sure there will be another contest to enter sooner or later. I will gleefully enter knowing full well I will lose that one too. I only sort of care – I mean, of course I want to win all these contests, trips, and adventures. But I like the excitement of knowing I might win. My life might get exciting. But it’s my life…and I don’t ever really win at it. I just like thinking that perhaps one day I might.

Man, I am such a sucker for stuff like this….

The number one thing you need to remember is: you’re fucking awesome. Of course everyone wants a piece of you. Your face could cash cheques and you have a million other rad qualities that make you better than everyone else. Everyone wants to spend time with you because they want to be more like you. Fuck that noise. No one can be as good as you – they have no right to paw away at your time and brain just to try to make themselves better. You are number one and only you can stay that way by putting yourself first.

No one should need you more than you need them. No way. If they do then they suck and have nothing to offer you. You are wasting your time with losers if you hang out with someone because you feel bad for them.  Needy people are vampires and they will suck your awesomeness away.

But what about poor people and social losers? What do they have that’s rad for you? Let’s take your new job for example: saving starving orphans in S. Africa/working at the food bank/building a well for the villagers. They need you to stay alive – but you need them to have a job and a kickass resume that you can show off to other awesome people later. That will impress people and one day you will make fat cash from it. It’s a total WIN-WIN situation.

When someone wants to spend time with you or talk to you about their problems or needs your help. You have to ask yourself one question: Is there something better I could be doing instead? The answer is yeah, probably. You should be out doing something fun for you. You deserve fun. And who wants to listen to someone’s depressing problems? You are too sensitive for that kind of sad shit. If you stop listening to people feel sad all the time then you won’t realize how much better your life is and then you’ll stop feeling sorry for everyone. You just have to prioritize on focusing on yourself and how great your life is.

It’s important to remember you have a good reason for not doing everything everyone wants you to. Maybe you have to work, or are tired, or made other plans, or something better came up, or maybe you just don’t fucking feel like it. All those reasons are good. More than good. They are impeccably flawless. You just need to explain it in a way they can understand. It helps if you say something like I HAD to…., or I COULDN’T….., there was NO WAY…., don’t let them make you feel guilty. You are busy and important and your time is valuable. Maybe if they are willing to pay you a billion dollars for your time things coulda been different. But they probably weren’t going to pay you at all. Why are they so selfish?

Doing stuff for (and with) other people all the time makes them lazy and they will never learn to do it without your help. You are making people worse by making them dependent on you for shit they should know how to do on their own. Next time tell your neighbor to fix her own computer and do her own taxes. She should already know how to do that shit if she’s claiming to be a grown up. If you are doing stuff for people like helping them move or making them dinner or fixing their bike they should be paying you. People get paid a shit ton of cash for doing work like that. Why should you do it for free? You can always use money, right?

Here is the important shit. If you spend less time feeling guilty you will have more time to:

wear fancy outfits

get drunk

go on vacations

sex up on sexy dudes/ladies

talk on the phone

get your hair did

have naps

go tanning

buy stuff from the internet

watch movies

think about yourself

Remember this is what you need to do to succeed:

1- Think of yourself. Don’t forget you are better than everyone else.

2- Ask ‘what’s in it for me?’

3- Have more fun

4- Make more cash

5- Avoid depressing shit

6- Think up some solid excuses

7-Keep being awesome

–

Okay – I know I said I would put in clip art. But it takes too long. And I realized the sooner I was done writing this for you I could drink hot chocolate. And hot chocolate is awesome so I cut this short by leaving out the pictures. But it’s okay because you are smart and can understand how to read without visual aids.

See I don’t feel guilty about not doing what I promised because I can explain it away. Pictures would have been demeaning to your smartness. And now I get to have hot chocolate. It’s a win-win.

And that is how I got an A in ethics class. ‘Cause I can explain it all away. SUPER RAD!

Drinking alone is not romantic – it means you are a pathetic loser for one of four reasons: you are an alcoholic, you couldn’t scrounge up a single friend to drink with, you are trying to hide your drinking from people, or it is early in the morning.

The only time it is acceptable to drink alone is when you are pre-drinking. In which case you are not pathetic – but so damn awesome you have to get a little of the awesome out of your system before you meet up with a bunch of people. You don’t want to unleash all the awesomeness at once – it would melt their faces off. Plus, pre-drinking is relaxing and an affordable alternative to breaking the bank at the bar.

#2 EAT!

 First of all you gotta EAT. If you don’t eat before you drink things will turn messy fast. And you want the party to last more than an hour, don’t you? Also you have to eat something for real not a handful of chips or a salad…what are you homeless? a lady? If you’re reading this I’m gonna assume you are neither of those things. I thought I had it all down while I was dieting and I just ate half a baked potato before I got drunk. Guess what? Half a potato does NOT stand up against 12 drinks. That is not good enough. Eat a for real meal BEFORE you drink (or early into the drinking) planning on ordering pizza when you’re drunk later won’t work. You will just feel fat and gross when you wake up to your dog licking a half eaten pizza that was left on the floor overnight.

#3 Water. 

Drinking water does not make you a pussy. It makes you smart. It will lessen your headache the next day because you stayed well hydrated. It will also prolong your drinking experience significantly. Water is the difference between drinking for 2 hours and 8 hours. No substitutions! That milkshake/coke/beer is NOT the same as water. A super pro will have a glass of water after every second drink. But if you’re scared of looking like a baby you can discreetly water down your cocktail with some soda water. Or you can have a couple drinks on the go at the same time. Order a cocktail with a side of water. For serious, that’s a thing.

#4 Drugs first!

If you are going to be smokin’ smokin’ weed, popping pills, snorting a bunch of junk…or what have you – do it FIRST! We all think drugs seem rad when we’re drunk. But that’s ’cause drunks are lacking in the good judgement department. DRUGS FIRST. Then you get all thirsty and the drinks get downed at a reasonable pace. If you get sorta drunk first then take  drugs they will hit you fast and you will suddenly be SO FUCKING DRUNK. That’s when things get spinning. And not in the good vinyl way. But in the bad, bad, puking all over your: bed/ friend’s couch/dress/backseat of the car/bathroom floor way.

#5 Stick with one type of alcohol.

Several kinds of alcohol may seem like a delicious idea  - but it will end in disaster. It makes you super drunk super quick and sick even quicker.

There are additional rules like “liquor before beer and you’re in the clear; beer before liquor you’ve never been sicker”. Or wine doesn’t mix with anything. Champagne stands alone. But everyone’s mom has a handful of these rules. It’s a sorta trial and error process to see which works for you.

#6 Pace Yourself.

If it’s hard to down the drink quickly it’s because you shouldn’t. Red wine is meant to be sipped and savored. Hard liquor should not be pounded straight up. If it was meant to be ingested quickly your body would accept it easily. That is why you can slam down a case of Coors Light in under an hour – because it’s basically beer flavored water that can safely be drunk quickly. If you start to feel too drunk from over drinking take a second to sit down, drink some water, and get your head together. A good quiet place to sit down and sort your fuzzy brain out is the washroom. It’s unlikely that anyone will offer you another drink while you’re in there.

#7 Avoid shots.

Shots are the devil. Particularly tequila shots seem to make people go crazy or barf immediately all over the table. If you HAVE to have a shot go for a chocolate martini shot (half vodka half creme de cacao). And stop after one.

#8 Call it a night.

An important part of being a successful drinker is knowing when to call it a night. If your friends are giving you weird looks, or you keep misplacing your drink, or you’ve already fallen over a couple times this evening it’s a good time to pack it in before you do something you’ll regret. Like getting naked at the office christmas party or start a fistfight with your best friend’s dad. And if you get kicked out of the bar – it was probably for a good reason – go home and go to bed!

#9 Sick and tired.

If it is at all possible, do not drink when you are super tired. Feeling tired will add to the feeling of drunkenness and you won’t last. Get a good night’s sleep before a big party night. But what do you do if you have a cold but you still want to drink? Booze up your tea! It is the only way to drink that won’t make your sore throat worse. It’s warm and soothing and fantastic. Vodka works itself nicely into almost any tea. And if you’re out I recommend ordering a blueberry tea: grand marnier and amaretto in an earl grey or orange pekoe.

#10 – Keep it classy.

Don’t drink straight out of the bottle. That’s how you spill, chip your tooth, lose track of how much you’ve had to drink, come off as trailer trash.

And remember: Practice makes perfect. So drink in moderate amounts frequently to hit your stride.

Happy Drinking! Bottom’s up! Cheers! Nazdravie! Prost! Salute!

Drinking and driving is for fucking losers. Driving after even just one drink is lame. This ain’t the 40′s. Drinking and driving isn’t a thing anymore.

I came back from Hawaii with a song in my heart and my taste buds singing! Tropical fruit is the awesomeset so actually bothered to figure out this amazing recipe. And I am happy to share the goodness with all you mainlanders. Here it is…the one, the only: MANGO BREAD!!!!

I know it sounds weird, but trust me, it’s freaking awesome. It’s like banana bread – except better because it’s with mangos instead of dumb old regular bananas. Plus, it’s easy to make. Sweeeeet.

–> Fold in:

2 1/2c ripe mango

1/2c raisin

1/2c walnuts

1/2c shredded or flake coconut

–> Pour into lightly greased pans

Bake at 350 for 55mins

makes 2 loaves

Aloha! It’s freakin’ rad.

You could make it into muffins as well – but you’d gotta adjust to a shorter bake time.

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Hey! We just started selling my recipe in muffin form at Whole Foods Market Robson! Hooray! My recipe is a famous now!

989 Granville St (at Nelson…ish).

604.677.8080

The Warehouse is famous for a reason – it’s afforable, central, fun, and relaxed. The Warehouse’s rock bar atmosphere goes a long way with me – the music is killer, and it’s impossible to feel uncomfortable or uptight. Most everyone can relax with the vibe here …well, maybe not your Grandma (think of a nicer version of the Cambie). But as much as I appreciate the mood lighting and music what really stands out at the Warehouse is the FOOD PRICES!

Everything on the menu is $4.95 – without exception. Nachos, a burger and fries, quesadillas, salad, tacos, pasta – the warehouse definitely offers fair portions and range of standard fare. Of course, you can add chicken or upgrade to yam fries for an extra $1.55 – but seriously the base price for everything is under $5. Lots of reviews complained of slow service – every time I’ve been there the service has been fine – what do you expect for a $5 meal? The servers will maybe be tipped $1 per meal and they are sorely understaffed for how busy the place is to keep prices down. Of course they can be slow at times! You’re lucky there are servers there at all.

Yes, it’s a pub – yes, they serve delicious alcohol. Regular old standard draft beer pints are available for about $5 – import bottles will run you more like $7, and there is a sketchy drink menu of bad highballs for around the $3 mark. Be warey since the drink menu does not have any prices listed. Stick to what you trust – the burger and a pint of Granville island for a grand total of $10.

Later in the evening it gets full and LOUD! Try to avoid “specials nights” like wednesday wing night – where the service turns horrible and the place gets PACKED – it’s not worth it to get food that’s even cheaper than $4.95.

The Warehouse is the perfect place to grab a bite and kick off a night of drinking downtown.

Recommended: the mushroom swiss burger – you won’t find a better burger downtown for the price, that’s for sure. Dave Fairweather raves “there’s a taste party in my mouth every time I bite into it!”. Thanks, Dave!

Bonus: Heated outdoor seating is available.

Double bonus: open until 2am everyday of the year. For serious. And they serve breakfast on the weekends!

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Perfect pairing:

Queen – a kind of magic